True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
