fuck your aforementioned shoe
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Drunk is not a location!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
