Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Randomize
