he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
