Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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