I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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