I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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