We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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