is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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