Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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