Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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