You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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