1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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