Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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