wakey wakey hands off snakey
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
