just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
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