I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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