so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
