The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I want a musical about memes.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
