apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
