New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
