DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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