I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
