Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
