Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
