The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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