she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
