I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
