The police scanner is talking about you again....
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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