i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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