Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
