i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
