Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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