I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
