the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
