girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
