apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
