Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize