How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
