well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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