how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Houston, we have a blender
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
