You really coming over, don't trick.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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