I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
