Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
