I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
