I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
