she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
