when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
