I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
