If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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