I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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