I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
