Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
