3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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