yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
