when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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