i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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