i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
