Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize