If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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