Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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