I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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